Defending Your Marriage Against Mediocrity

You can read the article entered below or at the Focus on the Family website. It's definitely worth reading.

When couples compromise on obedience to God, their marriages drift towards mediocrity. Abundant marriage, however, is within reach when attending to five key areas.

by Dr. Harold L. Arnold, Jr.

Chip and Sandy are like many married couples who say, "We're making it" in marriage. Recently I asked Sandy, "Do you ever feel great about your marriage?" She paused, clearly uncomfortable with the question, and replied, "My husband doesn't abuse me, doesn't cheat on me and hasn't left me. I would say that I am blessed."

Indeed, God has blessed Chip and Sandy. But, Sandy's response left me pondering the meaning of "great" marriage. God wants us to have not only life but to experience it abundantly (3 John 2). Yet, Sandy seems more aware of what is thankfully absent than nourished by what is abundantly present.

Maybe I should have asked Sandy a different question: "Does God occupy the center of your marriage?" After all, a God-centered marriage assures God's blessings upon the marriage covenant, fosters authentic partnership and models genuine love for others.

Many couples fall short on this point because God is pushed to the margin of the relationship. These couples have a sense of God, but they may compromise on obedience to His Word. They may pray for God's presence in their decisions, but lack the patience to wait for God's timing. They may seek more godly influences in their lives, yet their jam-packed schedules leave little room for meaningful relationships. The Apostle Paul describes this phenomenon as a form of godliness, but one lacking its power (2 Timothy 3:5). These power-deficient marriages are mediocre. Are you settling for the mediocre in your marriage?

Avoiding the Threat of Mediocre Marriage

The secular influences that surround us can exact a toll on marriage. Protecting your marriage against these stressors requires effort in five areas: unconditional commitment to the marriage, trust, respect, healthy boundaries and protected couple time.

• Unconditional Commitment. Secular western culture defines individual happiness and satisfaction as the endpoint of marriage. While these are good things, we may have lost the equally critical concept of commitment. Despite culture's prioritization of pleasure and convenience, God expects us to be committed to Him and to our marriage regardless of how satisfied we feel at the moment. This requires an abundance of forgiveness, grace and humility between husbands and wives, even in the face of difficult circumstances.

• Increased Trust. Many Christian marriages lack godly trust yet fail to realize it. Similar to Sandy's response, many Christian couples think of trust only in the context of marital fidelity. However, when God is marginalized in your marriage, trust deficits are also characterized by blaming, suspiciousness, power plays, jealousy, secrecy and hidden agendas.
  
  Increasing the level of trust in your marriage requires a commitment to care for the needs of your spouse more than your own needs. This also requires trusting that your spouse knows what they need more than you do, and honoring them. Trust, like marriage in general, only works as both you and your spouse agree to move forward together.

• Increased Respect. Husbands feel respected when their wives express appreciation for what they do. Women, by contrast, feel respect when they are supported for who they are. Marital disrespect, however, almost always derives from one of three types of issues: delusions of grandeur, devalued self-worth or unchecked fears. These selfish tendencies push God into the margin — resulting in an unbalanced marriage where spouses behave defensively. Increasing respect necessitates understanding how your spouse feels respected, assessing your own control issues and praying for healing in this area.

• Healthy Boundaries. Boundaries are an imaginary and internal line where your self ends and another's self begins. There are three types of boundaries: rigid (unhealthy because they are inflexible and disinterested in the perspectives of others); enmeshed (unhealthy because they are so weak that they cannot guarantee safety); and permeable (healthy because they are strong and flexible; able to accept a learning posture while restricting influences which are unsafe for the marriage). God-centered marriages work to maintain marriages with permeable boundaries.

• Increased Couple Time. Time is your most valuable asset. The value that you place in your marriage can be assessed by how much of your time is spent cultivating it. Couples voice a desire for intimate companionship. Yet, most couples spend more time microwaving dinner than investing in their marriage. The commitment, trust and respect so vital to healthy marriage are only fostered with a primary investment of time.

An Abundant Marriage

The Holy Spirit emboldens couples to resist the stressors that erode their marriage only if they move God to the center of the marriage. Abundant marriage is within your reach as you allow the Holy Spirit to reveal and heal your strengths and weaknesses. In healthier marriages, this may just require additional insight. More troubled marriages are likely to require intervention by others who are committed to the health of your marriage.

Focus on Marriage

Andy and I went to the Focus on Marriage Simulcast at the end of February put on by Focus on the Family. The theme was seeing your marriage through the eyes of God.

We took a lot of notes and I wanted to share some of them with you all. They might not make a bit of sense to you, but I thought I would share them anyways in case maybe just one thing stuck out to you.

First let me say it was so overwhelming to realize that over 500 churches were airing it at the same time. It was so neat to thinking of people all over North America were listening.

There were 5 speakers. I just wanted to share the main points that stuck out at me from each of the speakers.

Gary Thomas
God designed marriage to make us holy rather than to make us happy.
James 3:2 We ALL stumble in MANY ways.
The exact same marriage can elicit different reactions from us based on our expectations.
We are called to love our spouses out of reverence to God. How often does God deserve our reverence... all the time!
God is our father-in-law!
Seeing marriage through the eyes of God means: 1). Seeking first his kingdom. 2). Seeking his righteousness.
Become a God centered spouse. A spouse centered spouse treats spouse how they've been the past 24-48 hours.
2 Cor. 7:1 Let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.
Our marriage needs to be a form of worship.

Beth Moore
Baggage always attracts baggage.
Women only have to submit to their own husbands.
Women want their husbands to make it public how crazy they are about them.
You will drive yourself crazy trying to control someone else.
Husbands are responsible to wash his wife with the Word.
Because we can't seem to get exactly what we want, we don't appreciate what we have.
Get womanhood from Jesus, not our husbands.
Husbands like their wives the most when they get their security in Jesus.
A fight worth having is a fight for the marriage.
Every single marriage is a marriage worth saving.
When your spouse is not enough, Jesus is enough.
Be a miracle, that's what gives people hope.

Del Tackett
It is not good for man to be alone.
Marriage is just as concrete as the mountains, flowers, etc.
Father/Son - they are one. Holy Spirit comes from union.
Husband/Wife - they are one. Kids come from union.
Authority and submission - our culture made them negative.
The physical creation obeys God, we defy God. That's why we have blueprints (Bible).
Prayers bouncing back? Check relationship with spouse!
Follow Scripture - there will be blessings.
The divine mark: 1-aloneness, not good. 2-relationship/intimacy. 3. community/fellowship.
Everything we need is bound up in the nature of God.
"It's all about me" destroys fellowship/intimacy.

I've run out of blogging time friends, I will try and share the other two with you soon. Wish you all were there! If anyone else went, please share your thoughts too!

There's a Focus on Parenting simulcast in November that should be equally as great.

Long Time - No Talk

It's been a long time, I know. Life has been very busy and blogging is (as you can tell) not one of the things I've had time to commit to. For now, friends I am sorry to say, but the Wifestry blog is going to have to go dormant for awhile.

I will keep the blog up and running for those periods of time we might have to blog our 'wifestry related' thoughts and ideas.

This is actually a praise, if you can believe it. If you all can remember I started this blog when I was living in Indiana and had very little contact with other like minded women and I was having a difficult time connecting and forming deep God-centered relationships with women. This blog was a great way for me (and you) to have some good Godly discussions about things that were going on in our lives.

Well, my season has changed and I have a handful of women that fill my time that I able to commit to friendships. I am however aware that some of you that enjoyed reading this blog are still in a season where you need this fellowship, and I am so sorry to not be providing that for you any more.

If any of you women who read are interested in taking over, I'd love to hand over the reigns to a willing woman.

I will drop in every now and then to share if I have the time and I really hope you will too!

Thank you ladies for ALL that you have contributed and how you've encouraged me to press into Christ more!

Until we meet again...

A Catch All Post

How in the world is it January already?! I apologize for neglecting this sweet blog. I have enjoyed the girls keeping up with it though and am so grateful for such a wonderful circle of friends here.

I will quickly add my two cents on the topics I've missed. Everyone else, feel free to do the same :)

Having vision for our marriage:
I was so thrilled to hear from Pai and Jen about their vision statements for their families. Awesome posts, girls. Andy actually wrote ours in a poem/prayer format. It's not as concrete as what most of you would think they would look like, but it fits us well...

Loving and grateful children
Humbly dependent upon you
Forgiven much, and freed from sin's power
Alive to you, to you alone
Alive to you, we are not our own
Make our hearts like yours, our minds as well
Able and willing workers
Shape us and send us according to your plan
Your will be done, your kingdom come.

Fighting Burnout:
Haha, I clearly don't have any secrets since I wasn't even able to find time to blog about it :) No, but in all honesty, I try and utilize Andy as much as possible when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I don't try and take it on myself and act as a free agent. God gave us our spouses to work together in life. So, I just lay it all out there for him and let him help me figure out solutions to some of my issues.

Tips for Communicating:
I think that goes right along with my last point about fighting burnout. We both try and be very clear with each other, each and every day about issues so they don't pile up. If I'm struggling with something, and don't share it with Andy, it's going to affect my mood and eventually affect how I interact with him. I've never been successful at keeping issues compartmentalized in my life. If there's something wrong in one area, it will always overflow into the other areas. Maybe because there's so much emotion involved, I don't know.

I'd love to hear from you guys! What's going on in your lives???

Creating a Vision

When Matt and I first got involved at our church, we joined a Connect Group (that's what we call small groups at our church). We signed up for the Blended Families group and it was life-changing!! One of the awesome exercises our curriculum (God Breathes on Blended Families and the accompanying workbook by Moe and Paige Becnel) challenged us to do was to write a family vision statement.

Within blended families--defined by the Becnels as any marriage in which at least one of the spouses becomes a stepparent (new parent), regardless of the age of the children--division is a huge obstacle. It's so easy to get into the "yours" and "mine." Matthew 12:25 tells us that "every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand." That just points out how vital it is for everyone within a home to be standing together. A vision for your family/marriage can help you do that!

A vision statement is written together as a couple or even as an entire family. It can address many aspects of the relationship from hobbies to health, intimacy to spiritual life. It's a relationship road map, so to speak. Vision statements are not meant to be the same forever. As seasons in our lives change, our vision may evolve and change as well. I love Patience's post's reference to Jimmy Evans' suggestion of a yearly vision retreat. What an awesome way to spend time getting on the same page as your spouse/family!

Here's the vision we wrote for our family 3 years ago in that Connect Group. It's a little broad and general, but I think it really did help us to stay on the same page. "Our vision is to have a large, close-knit family, that is walking in the will of God, supporting and protecting one another, interacting with others with love, respect, honor, and high grace, raising children to know and love the Lord, and enjoying life to its' fullest."

I'd love to hear about your vision statements!

Vision Casting

Within the first few months of our marriage, someone gave us the CD teaching series, "Marriage On The Rock". It was the best thing that could have happened to us newly weds. It is a live recording of a 10-session marriage conference by Jimmy & Karen Evans, founders of Marriage Today. What a phenomenal resource & ministry! We've listened through this series several more times since & will probably again in the future.

In one of the sessions, Jimmy Evans talks about having a vision retreat for your marriage. Each year, he & his wife get away for a weekend to cast vision for their marriage in the upcoming year. Its a time to be honest, remembering you're on the same team & setting a plan for the year ahead. From finances to intimacy, from needs within the marriage relationship to goals in parenting, the retreat centers around the premise, "We're in this together & we're not going to leave until we know we're on the same page in every aspect for our family." Jimmy candidly shares the difficult conversations he & Karen have had during these retreats, but also expresses the peace that fills their home as a result of this in the months that follow.

This concept has been powerful in our marriage, along with the rest of the conference. When you remember that you're on the same team & have a plan for where you're going together, God can accomplish incredible things between & through you & your spouse.

If you're able, I highly recommend acquiring this resource for you & your spouse. Its available online at the Marriage Today store or if you're in the Raleigh area, in The Source at C3 Church.

Do Life Together

The other girls have done a great job sharing the truth of just how difficult it is to make true friends. Thanks, Jen and Alana.

I third the stance on how hard it is to form deep meaningful friendships. That's why we started this blog... to encourage women to share so that we could help each other. As much as you feel like you're the only one dealing with an issue, you are not. So many other people are too, but we just never know, because no one ever tells!

As busy as some of us are, it's extremely difficult to add friendships into their lives. I know that between the two boys and Andy I don't have much else to give most days. I used to think I had to add activities so that I could spend time with others. Our pastor has a great outlook when it comes to friendships, and it simply is this "do life together."

If you take your kids to the library each Tuesday, then invite another mom to meet you there. Spend some time together and head home. That's it. Don't try and invite her over for lunch and spend the entire day cleaning and stressing out about it. Just do what you normally do, and see if there are ways to incorporate doing them along side someone else.

Since we've moved here I've been trying to implement that idea. I wanted to start walking 3 days a week when we moved here, so I asked my next door neighbor who has a little baby if she would be interested in walking with me when I went. She was more than willing to do it, saying she's always wanted to, but just didn't have the motivation to do it herself. So, now we walk 3 mornings a week and have a wonderful time of fellowship and get in some great exercise as well.

I'm not saying don't invite people over to your house for dinner. (We had some friends over last night). But, if you do, don't stress out about it. Don't spend hours cleaning and trying to make everything perfect to impress them. Let them see you for you even if that comes with some dirty floors. They will love you either way! If you don't worry about it, you'll tend to invite people over much more, which means great opportunities for deeper relationships.

A couple women and I from our church have started to do a Precepts study together. We are meeting at our home once a week to go over it and fellowship with each other. Last week was our first week and it was wonderful. Having other women to just sit down and share is so valuable. Like Alana said, it's so important to have other people other than your husband to be able to do that with. Even though they should be our best friends, doesn't mean we shouldn't have other relationships. I have found it even makes my marriage stronger to have other deep relationships.

Another thing I have been really trying to work on is using my relationships with others to practice honoring my husband. I have been known to speak ill of my husband to others. I never used to think much about it, but the Lord has really convicted me of this lately. I am now trying to watch my speech about my husband to others and not using our girl time as a way to bash our husbands. Knowing I have such a strong impact on how others view him is important and I need to take that role seriously.

Ways that I spend time with other women are:

Here (of course)
Walking
Bible Study
Women's events through our church
Playgroups (believers and non-believers)

Another issue I've been working on is specifically trying to meet non-believers. Do what you do and you will probably come across non-believers. If you don't, then switch up your routine a bit.

I hope you all are having a great 2009 and are marveling in the awesome ways God is blessing us each day.

Thanks again girls for taking this journey with me. It has been so rewarding.